An Important Press Release

You guys, I’m so excited to share this with you! Please read the press release below:

 

Amazon.com to Acquire Nicholas Kaufmann

SEATTLE–(BUSINESS WIRE)–April 1, 2013– Amazon.com, Inc. (NASDAQ:AMZN) today announced that it has reached an agreement to acquire Nicholas Kaufmann (NASDAQ: TATRTOTS) — known to his friends and family as Nick — a pudgy, middle-aged Brooklyn, NY man known for occasionally reading books and talking about them with other people.

“Amazon and Nick share a passion for many similar things, including reading, eating tater tots, and watching How I Met Your Mother, ” said Russ Grandinetti, Amazon Vice President, Kindle Content. “Most importantly, Nick has helped change how we discover and discuss books by occasionally mentioning them on his blog or in person to his circle of literally eight or nine friends. They always said you can’t buy that kind of exposure, but you can, and we did. Not only was it the right synergistic next step for Amazon, but it was also incredibly economical, as Nick agreed to be paid in tater tots.”

“I love tater tots,” said Kaufmann. “So it’s not like I was going to say no, right?”

Following the acquisition, Kaufmann will remain in Brooklyn, though a loading dock has been added to his apartment building to make the daily tater tot truck deliveries more convenient. In return, Kaufmann will continue to casually mention books to people when the mood strikes him. “Sometimes I talk about Doctor Who instead,” Kaufmann said. “Amazon is okay with that because they sell the DVDs, too.” Founded in 1969, Kaufmann now has more than 44 years under his belt as an avid reader and eater of tater tots. Over just the past 90 days, Kaufmann has read a book and a half, and eaten on average more than four tater tots per second.

“Sometimes I think being acquired by Heinz ketchup would be pretty good next step,” Kaufmann said. “My mouth is kind of dry right now.”

Subject to various closing conditions, including a rumored pre-release season 8 boxed set of How I Met Your Mother, the acquisition is expected to close in the second quarter of 2013. For more details, see the post on Amazon’s blog.

One response to “An Important Press Release”

  1. Hilarious and well done. Just enough verity to make you go “huh, really? wow.” I heard part of the conditions is that you hold up flashcards for readers with suggested buys.

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